My Insecurities

I have travelled to more than a dozen countries, and lived in 3 of them.

I speak 2 different languages.

I earned 2 bachelors degree and did an exchange term. 

I had internships that paid for university.

I started working at age 15 and have worked in 4 different companies.

I was promoted manager in my 3rd year at work.

I worked on a one year secondment overseas.

I bought a townhouse condo.

Underneath all these accomplishments lay a lot of insecurities. I have a strong need to be normal. To feel loved, accepted and connect with people who "get" you. This is a universal need for all humans. Growing up, it's always the weird kid who didn't fit in that was bullied and made fun of. I was never that kid who was bullied but could identify strongly with that person and always went out of my way to play with that kid. As a child you never really understood or cared about differences and accepted them as just a fact without judgment. As we grow up we become more self aware and self conscious because of what society has reflected back to us. Differences became magnified and differences became bad. I felt more and more like an outsider.

It's very difficult to explain differences...

- What is it like to be +10 farsighted? To wear very heavy thick glasses since age 5? To get comments such as why do your eyes look so big? Why did most kids grow out of their farsightedness and I did not? Why is it that only a very small percentage of people are farsighted and even less to my prescription?

- What is it like to grow up with abusive parents? Why did I have to make up stories to explain my bruises to my friends and teachers?  

- What is it like to live with parents who are separated? Why do I always have to play role of mediator?

- What is it like to be afraid to invite your friends over? Will they make fun of me because my house was not nice? Will my father start yelling at me or worse them?

- What is it like to have ulcerative colitis? If it is hereditary then why am I the only one in my family with this? If more europeans have UC then how come I have it? How come there is no real cure?

It's very difficult to accept that differences don't have to be good or bad and they are just facts. Living in a multicultural environment does help.

I needed someone to understand me like if they were my twin. To tell me that it's normal even if you aren't the norm. To encourage me to accept myself and love myself so others will have a chance to as well. My unique problems are part of who I am but will not define my life. And so I should treat them  like hair.