Optimism

It was about a year and half ago that I walked out of my doctors office diagnosed with Colitis. One of the strange things he said that stuck with me during the appointment was "You seem very optimistic." I'll admit... I was quite puzzled by his observation. Why wouldn't I be? I was finally seeing a doctor who could put a name to all the symptoms I've been suffering from. And he was prescribing medication to help me get better. I was on my way.

Little did I know how much worse this disease would get and how valuable optimism would become.


What my family, friends, colleagues saw was a cheerful girl who seemed to have her shit together for the most part. Someone who smiled at people, even strangers. Someone who could take care of herself and others. I scratch my head when others asks me "Why are you always so happy?" Because here's the thing... I didn't tell anyone that I was bleeding almost daily for three years. I was young, I was suppose to be healthy, I was moving to a different country, I couldn't possibly be SICK sick. I played down my symptoms and most days were not that bad. It was when I was running to the toilet constantly in pain and staining it with so much blood that I could no longer hide the fact that something was seriously wrong. I was exhausted from trying to be stronger than I felt.

I cried a lot. Every single day. For a long time.
I felt like I failed as a person.
I lost control of basic bodily functions.
I avoided any social situations that required leaving the house.
I was paranoid with the food I was eating.
My biggest challenge in life became if I had the energy to shower that day.
Eating, Sleeping, Shitting, Walking, Thinking, Talking were huge tasks.
I was jealous of my friend's seemingly perfect lives.
I was feeling anything but optimistic.
I could not smile.

It's not easy to stay positive when battling a chronic illness. Before my diagnosis, I operated under the assumptions that if I followed certain rules I would get the desired results. If I found the best doctors and took my medication I would feel better. If I stop eating certain foods and limit stress then things will be okay. But incurable illness doesn't operate that way. It's not about developing and following a regimented routine. It's about believing things will work out even if I had no clue how. It's accepting being vulnerable to all the things beyond my control. It's hard.

Everyone has something they are battling with, whether it's losing a loved one, filing for bankruptcy, childhood abuse, infidelity, illness, etc. We get stressed about whether to get married or have kids or break up. Stressed about being hopelessly in love with someone who doesn't love us back. Afraid that if we quit our job we wouldn't be able to pay rent, cover our health care costs, or unable to save enough for our child's education. Life is not necessarily all glamourous. It's vulnerable and imperfect. And everyday we wake up and carry on with our lives courageously. We savor all the good days and feel grateful for what we do have. Humans are incredibly optimistic and resilient. For some, just getting out of bed in the morning is unspeakably brave.

My battle that I'm sharing with you today (since it's IBD awareness month in Canada) happens to be colitis. After years of blood loss, fatigue, joint pain, urgency, I can finally say I am in remission. And hopefully I stay here for a very long time.

Remember not all scars show, not all pain can be seen. Be kind to other. Be kind to yourself :)