Listen to the Gut

It's been a long hiatus.

"Things will get worse before they get better. But when they do, remember who put you down and who helped you up."

Nov 9, 2014: I returned to work and experienced joint pains and swollen ankles.

Nov 23, 2014: ER visit at Mt. Sinai

Dec 2, 2014: Sigmoidoscopy with out anesthesia 

Dec 10, 2014: Rheumatologist with steroid injection. I can finally walk again. 

Dec 15, 2014: Humira Injections (4 injections) Nausea, Diarrhea, Vomiting 

Jan 28, 2014: Colonoscopy by Dr. Kim (inflammation is significantly reduced)

Things I learned: 

- We are strong because sometimes that is the only choice we have.

- In your time of need, treasure those who helped you up.

- Really can feel what an old person feels like. Life is a miracle and need to be treasured.

- Biologic drugs are miracles and life changing. Unfortunately only a small percentage of Canadians can afford this life transforming drug.

- You do not how far you gone until you feel yourself getting better everyday.

- Sometimes, all you have is hope.

Things I have adopted:

- Weekly Bikram Yoga and Zumba 

- Bi-Weekly physio therapy

Before my illness, I operated under the assumptions that if I followed certain rules I would get the desired results. If I found the best doctors and took my medication I would feel better. If I stop eating certain foods and limit stress then things will be okay. But incurable illness doesn't operate that way. It's not about developing and following a regimented routine. It's not about becoming a better person to gain Karma points. It's about believing things will work out even if I had no clue how. It's accepting being vulnerable to all the things beyond my control. It's hard.

I had the hardest time responding to questions and comments like: Are you all recovered? Wow you lost so much weight? We all like to be understood by others. But why does the understanding feel so one sided. It's because putting yourself in another person's shoe is extremely hard. And being sick and trying to put myself in another person's shoe is that much harder. Your intentions are well but words do hurt. How do I tell you there is no such thing as full recovery? How do I respond when people joke around saying wow what disease do you have and how do I get it. Or when people ask you and you ask yourself as well. What did I do to deserve this? Nothing.