Humans go through life experiencing different events and encountering different people forming our own views of what is "normal" or acceptable behavior. Little did I know that there is a term for the abnormal and destructive behavior of some people I've been dealing with my whole life, called Narcissistic Personally Disorder, and the impact they have on the codependents.
What is startling is how many of these tendencies I have inherited without realizing and how these actions could impact my future relationships. This book explains the importance of self empowerment and healing past wounds. And digging deep I found it very difficult to bring up past wounds where they are hidden and buried so deep that I can't recall many of the painful events of the past. My selective memory has helped me cope with emotional pain, but the downside of this is that I realized I also could not recall many of the good memories of the past. For the first time I understand that for me to truly live as my authentic self and experience a full range of emotions, I need to heal.
Below is a summary of the book by chapters and some of my thoughts on the read.
Quote:
"Forgiveness is the ability to have enough empathy and understanding to feel genuine compassion towards your partner and an abiding compassion for yourself - a forgiveness that realizes that his betray and your own self-betrayal are the trust of your histories of wounding and unwitting participation to perpetuate it.
forgiveness does not imply that you must stop expressing your feelings of dissatisfaction, hurt and anger about the past and similar infraction in the present. Nor does it mean that your partner is not accountable for his continued efforts toward change. "
Chapter 1:
Narcissistic personality disorder is characterized by server limitations in understanding other people and their feelings with an excessive pursuit of narcissistic supplies like admiration, attention, status, understanding, support, money power, control, or perfection in some form. All of us need these to feel a sense of being, but the narcissist pursue these with unrelenting desperation and a keen ability to manipulate others.
NPD are confident, in control, smooth and charming. The relationship with these people are one-way with you in the primary giving position.
Three phases of healing
1. Awareness: Recognize there give and take is not there.
2. Emotional healing: Identify, validate, empathize your own feelings.
3. Empowerment: Identify healthy boundaries and negotiate your need in a relationship.
Chapter 2:
NPD have limited or no ability to:
- self reflect and take ownership of a problem
- tolerate anything perceived as a criticism, oversight, or dismissal
- recognize others as separate selves - free agents with free will
- feel genuine empathy for others
- recognize the need of others
- negotiate anger - periodic loss of control of anger, outbursts of rage
- acknowledge or praise other people's accomplishments - due to envy
- genuinely apologize or feel remorse
Excessively:
- requires attention, admiration, special consideration or recognition
- demonstrates a grandiose sense of entitlement
- controls and manipulates others to achieve his/her goals - tenacious and persuasive
- criticizes self and others
- holds unrealistic expectations of self and others
- holds an over-estimation of self and his/her needs
- manifests compulsive behaviors
- demonstrates an all or nothing approach to life
- compulsively pursues status, power, money, beauty, recognition, etc
Chapter 3:
Nine main types of manipulative behaviors: Admiration, Guilt, Distraction, Intimidation, Devaluing, Repetitive Criticism, Double Message, Projection, Emotional Hostage.
Admiration: Draw you into a sense of admiration for his/her set of unique qualities
Guilt: portray "special" suffering
Distraction: defocus a conversation to give them the upper hand
Intimidation: use of power to induce conciliatory behavior
Devaluing: diminish your thoughts
Repetitive Criticism: your opinion and choices
Double Message: contradictory message "set-up"
Projection: unconscious sense of self hate directed onto others
Emotional Hostage: dispirited, drained and unable to validate your reality.
Chapter 4:
Adult child must validate and empathize with his or her genuine feelings with the lost opportunity to feel unconditional love.
Healing and growth happens when:
- The adult child can validate and empathize with the thoughts and feelings that are expressions of her authentic self and mourn the loss of these opportunities in childhood.
- The adult child can develop protective boundaries - asserting limits on the entitlement demands and devaluing behaviors of the NDP parent.
Chapter 5:
Growing up with an NPD parents means we have encountered wounding to the self and are in need of healing. Our defenses of denial, repression, projection, introjection may have developed along the path to adulthood, numbing the feelings and creating false beliefs about who we are. These defenses sabotage our lives and prevent us from true intimacy and other goals.
We must face our feelings head on if we are to develop genuine compassion and forgiveness for the limitations of our parents and the limitations in ourselves. We need to grieve the losses whether in the form of hurt, betrayal, neglect, rejection, or abandonment. Recognize the resilience and strength that comes from empathizing with our feelings. Hurt, anger, loneliness and fear no longer overwhelm us, but exist as part of the rich terrain in our travel.
Chapter 6:
Healing and empowerment work must include a continual balance of effort in the form of self-care and boundary setting.
Self Care:
- Gain insight into your own codependent defenses.
- Validate your own feelings and thoughts.
- Recognize and legitimize your emotional needs.
- Identify your partner's narcissistic defenses and behaviors.
- Develop friendships and supportive relationships that nurture you.
- Heal and grieve deeper issues of childhood wounding.
Boundary Setting
- Practice assertiveness skills
- Set limits on the unhealthy narcissistic demands and stop exposure to emotional abusive behavior.
- Institute "fair fighting" ground rules.
- Assert your thoughts and feelings
- Communicate "warnings" about your distress with the problems and equal responsibility for working them out.
Chapter 7:
NPD friendship relationship: ability to give and take and talk through issues. Need to assert your thoughts, feelings, needs and maintain a healthy boundaries.
NPD in workplace: create havoc and rise to a position of power because they flourish in competitive environments. Need to set limits and rehearse exit strategies, keep log of work activities, meetings, changes, and have other people involved.
NPD Service Provider: always interview.
- How will he approach meeting your needs and why that approach.
- How will delays and problems be handled.
- Explanation of basic terms and costs.
Narcissist in Society
Criminal narcissist: actions are justified regardless of how society sees it
Malignant narcissist: begins as charismatic autocratic leader who influence masses of people
______________________After thoughts:
- difficult jumping b/w female and male and self as the narcissit
- can make you cry at times bring back painful memories
- everyone can have characteristics of narcism
- narcism can be a endless and vicious cycle
- its a condition of the circumstances...how you grew up, where you grew up, nurturing parents.
- why are there so many personality disorders?
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